Minced heart

It's awkward. It's heart-breaking.

It sucks REALLY bad.

XOXO

My girlfriends & I didn't talk about boys back then in high school. But we are making up for lost times.

I am thankful I have girlfriends whom I can share my problems & happiness with. Travel with. And the best-est thing about girlfriends, they are totally honest & you can be yourself around them. They don't judge to how ugly or sinful you are.

But unfortunately for them, I still keep some things to myself - like who are the people I wrote about in this blog. No matter how they try to dig it out. Kehkehkeh.

Backtrack

On March 2nd 2009, I posted a Note on Facebook. Inside are all these questionnaires. One of 'em reads:

20) Met someone who changed your life?
      No

A few months after that, I did.

And I'd like to change my answer now : Yes.

of men getting married

"You should buy a house now. When are you getting married?", asked a friend to him.

He was smiling all the way, and I heard he mumbled something.

What? What did he say? I wanted to ask, but thot it was kinda inappropriate. I know I will regret not asking, coz now I will never know.

The one thing I know is that I do not want to live the day he gets married. Or even announce that he is. Ok la, probably less dramatic la. I do not want to be there the day he announces. I don't wanna listen to that words coming out from his mouth. I'd probably choke, vomit, cry & faint all at the same time.

In another news, my old crush is getting married next week!

Don't mind that, but what's funny is that the way his stepmother talks about him. According to her, he is the most decent guy on the planet. All work, and no women.

Laugh Out Loud to that, stepmother!

You do NOT have the slightest idea of how your stepson is.

Oh well then, let it be. Can't wait to see what his wife looks like. She's from Indonesia and from the same ancestors, I guess. Good for this old crush of mine.

But for him, no. I better make plans to migrate now. Or else I have to be here when the day comes.
Oh God no.

You can doubt, and you can hate

The message

Arwah Bapak came into my dreams last night. It was in my old school back in Muar - Sekolah Convent. I was a teacher there, and he was the principle.

He was old, as old as he was when I last saw him. I knew it won't be long before he had to leave me. The whole day at school I followed him around, coz I know I'll miss him when he's gone. And then at dusk that day he told me he'll be passing on. I hugged him tight. I didn't want to let go, but I had to.

And then I stood by him until he vanished. Immediately I was awaken by azan Subuh.

The weird thing is, the whole morning before I got to work, I kept thinking of him. I feel like I haven't spoken to him in ages. I missed him. But the fact that he scolded me in his texts made it worse. Even if it's my fault. I wasn't in the mood to talk, eat, or work.

Imagine having to deal with your already-heavy-PMS-emotions, and all of these came along. At one point I had to pause and went crying my eyes out in the loo. I came back in the office red-eyed, all the time looking down at the floor and wishing nobody would want to talk to me. Thank goodness nobody did.

Anyway...

Maybe Bapak came back to wake me up from my slumber. Maybe Bapak was trying to say that he's not happy because I haven't given him du'as. Maybe Bapak was saying that I'll be joining him soon. Maybe Bapak misses me.

For whatever reason you came, Bapak, thank you.

And I miss you. I miss you so much.

***************************

O Allah! Forgive him and have Mercy on him and give him strength and pardon him. Be generous to him and cause his entrance to be wide and wash him with water and snowand hail. Cleanse him of his transgressions as white cloth is cleansed of stains. Give him an abode better than his home, and a family better than his family and a wife better than his wife. Take him into Paradise and protect him from the punishment of the grave(and of the fire)
[Muslim; 2:663]

***************************

Lautuan api kan ku renangi

Sepanjang jalan aku termenung. Memikirkan tentang apa yg telah berlaku, dan yg bakal mendatang. Angin meniup sepoi mebuatkan aku hanyut dalam duniaku sendiri.

Sympathetic sorrow for one suffering, distressed, or unhappy

"He's outside riding a bicycle"

Immediately had a flashback on our childhood. He's pushing me on a blue bike while his sister is paddling another. We were having a bicycle race.

Good times.

I had to hold back my tears. Those were the days when there were absolutely no problems in the world. Happy and full of love.

I really hope he can see the light at the end of his tunnel. For the benefit of him, and his family. But what I wish for the most is for the wife to finally come to her senses. Please wake up. Please.

So I had a very emotional day today. Thinking about his turnout, also my other-non-important-stuff-that-I-shouldn't-mention-here-now. And it's just so happen that I am in my "Pre-Menstrual Syndrome" period, which explains the whole lot of emotions & food intake (which is so inappropriate if I were to explain on food in this post, so we'll get to this later).

I really pity him. At the end of the day, he's still family. I wish I could be of any help, but I'm struggling myself. Maybe he'll get his break one of these days.

I pray he'll be okay, InsyaAllah.

#igaddict

Am currently addicted to Instagram. So I can see myself posting more of my Alone Travel stories in days ahead. And tweets of my location & activities.

Alone Short Trip 1

Yesterday was one fine Saturday, and I really wasn't gonna spend it sulking at home. So I googled Pantai Remis & Pantai Morib. Both are beaches that's nearby the city, about 1 1/2 hours away. Google search for images showed me that the crowd of people are less in Remis compared to Morib. Also, Morib has a nice, decent recreational park and so I made my choice to go there.

Jangan. Jangan pergi.

Que Sera, Sera

Do I have a dream? Well, who are you to ask? My mother?!

Do YOU have a dream?