What's the difference between him and Brian the Whine (a character from Rosie Dunne) ? Brian came back the proper way and took care of her, even if it's 13 years too late. I never heard from him, never have any idea what he looks like, never knew him, never met him.. not even once in the entire 16 years of my life.

Of course I'm not 16 now..but he passed away a month before I turned 17. On a Sunday afternoon, while I was studying beside Arwah Bapak, a few hours before I head off to Add Math Tution class. It felt wierd to hear the news from Mummy. I cried for like, 5 seconds, then MT started laughing seeing me cry, and I laughed along with her. Those tears were not meant for him. I was crying for myself. Sad for being an Anak Yatim.

I thank him, yes, for he is the reason I exist. But I have no reason to cry for him. He abandoned Mummy and me. I'm mad at him for that. After he passed away, his elder sister came to our house with "my cousin & nieces". That too, on a Sunday, after I had my Add Math tuition class. (You must think my Math's excellent, but it's actually no good! Haha) Mummy said they came to deal with me about my part of the "harta". Duh~ The person is a stranger to me, how can I even think of his harta? And his sister suddenly asked me to call her Mak Long asd sit beside her. Like I don't have anything better to do!!

I remember asking Mummy if I can go to his funeral, just to see his face for the first (or last) time. But as expected, Mummy won't let me. Besides, the day he was buried, I had a revision exam in school. My uncle, on behalf of me, went to Kluang for the court session. I received RM2000 as my part of the harta. What's RM2000 compared to the time he was supposed to be beside me..being my father and all..? I didn't want to "eat" the money, so I bought a PC with it. At least the PC won't be my darah daging.

A few years back, I received a Hari Raya card from his children. Addressing me as Kakak..they all wrote down their names complete with binti and bin. Another Duh~ for their side. Like I don't know who they are. Our names are almost alike. Besides, no other human being in this planet calls me "Kak". I hate people calling me Kak. * My name is not written in my birth certificate as Kak Scabbers, so why call me Kak? *. Lin called me up in college to read me the card, without the knowledge of Mummy. Months later only this news gets to Mummy. She was mad. Mad at them for sending, and mad at me for not telling. How can I tell when I know it was gonna upset her? I hate seing Mummy upset. Of course, I didn't reply. I don't want to have any contact with them, let alone admitting myself as the eldest sister. I'm an only child. I don't have any siblings.

Exactly two years later, my grandfather passed away. The only father I ever knew and loved. It was a Wednesday, I skipped class coz I had this urge to take the bus and went back to Muar. After thinking Muar is far away and I have class the next morning, I decided to follow Marina and Fansuri back to Shah Alam. I had an enjoyable time, playing with Marina's sister and brother, highlighting my hair but at the end of the day.. aku menyesal tak sudah. Mummy called around 9.15pm while Marina's father was driving us to the LRT. Mummy told me Bapak baru je lepas makan, tgh berehat, tido. I cried then, but I didn't know what was gonna happen next. While I was in the LRT, cousin Ghaz called. He asked me if I knew the story. I said, "Yeah, Bapak baru je tido". Then he broke the news. "Yaii dah takde". (I'm the only granchild who called him Bapak..others called him Yaii, as in atuk - in bahasa Jawa.) How would you take the news if it was your father? I cried and cried in the LRT. Then Mummy called. She can't even talk. Thank GOD Marina and Fansuri were there to comfort me.

I went back to college with Ghaz and the guard stopped us. Asking me why am I late (our curfew was 10pm). So I said my grandfather passed away, and I'm just in to collect my things and head back to my hometown. Then he asked me to be in on time, next time.. and kinda laughed it off. I felt like giving him a good kick, but instead I said "Bodoh". Never in my life I said that word directly to the person I'm talking to..so I guess I was being very rude that night. Stopped in Melaka to fetch cousin Dina. It was already midnight. I thought KYSM guards are as sophisticated and educated..to go along with the prestigious school name.. but they are all the same. This time, the guard was kinda pissed off to see us in the middle of the night trying to find a student..even after I told him that the student's grandfather just passed away. I Told Dina the news, since Ghaz was controlling himself from giving a punch to the guard. We were brought to the warden's house and on the way, the guard told us that next time we want to take a student out during a school night, we have to bring a letter at least a few days earlier. So ok..this is like the biggest Duh~ of all! I think he's retarded. Again, I called him stupid and yelled at him for being so stupid to think that we can predict death? I have never been so rude in my life, but that night I didn't care.

Sampai kat Muar, all my relatives were already there..thanks to the two stupid guards! Everybody was reciting Surah Yasin..but I was so sad and tired I stayed in a room and listen. Bukannya aku taknak, tapi aku tak tau camne sedihnya aku time tu sampai takleh nak cakap..takleh nak wat ape. I was the closest grandchild to him. He took care of me like his own daughter, since I never had a father and all. He even puts in his pension money for me..for my college fund. My father never did that to me. The final kiss was the hardest. I ran down the stairs to go sit on his bed and cried until I felt like my head was going to burst!. Sampai sekarang aku menyesal for not being the last person he saw before he closed his eyes. Sebab tu sekarang ni if I have a strong urge to go back to Muar..aku pegi jugak. Duit, masa, kerja...semua belakang kira. I don't want anything to happen..and I'm not there. Arwah Bapak la yg azan kan kat telinga aku when I was born, he was the first person lah kiranya..to be there when I arrived. But I was the last person to be there for him when he went away. I'm so bad. Penyesalan tu tak sudah sampai sekarang. Sakit, perit, sedih pemergiannya sampai sekarang masih terasa. Rindu aku kat Arwah Bapak tak terkata sekarang ni.

So that's the story of me. Cecilia Ahern (author of Rosie Dunne) is a good author sampai menjadikan aku teringat2 macam ni. Atau maybe I am just being emotional. As a result of my father's actions, I guess I have a bit of a fobia whenever it comes to having a serious relationship. (Not that it occured many times considering I'm not that pretty and all...) I prevent myself from liking a guy. Remember..prevention is better than cure. Heheh. I believe I can make it on my own, with a bit of help from my family members. I see Mummy as my idol. I want to be strong like her.

Hmm..apa aku cakap pun aku taktau (except for the 'love Mummy' part). Saja je nak bercerita.