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Additional resolution for 2011:
Ok. End.

Penat aku buat kerja utk dia, penat aku peduli... tapi dapat ape?

2011 Cita2

I figured out my 2011's resolution. Altho this year punya did not fulfilled. Haha.

THWY

Ha. Ngumpat la. Mentang2 korang satu group duduk kat blakang sana, cakap bahasa aku tak paham. Pastu sebut nama aku cakap bisik2.

I wished for you, but you ran away. Damn u.

re-

I Dream of Scones...

Ever feel bored of your life?

Back to December

December's here.

This means I've been seriously caught up with work for a whole year.

I have this family holiday on Saturday and I haven't packed, haven't made any arrangements, basically haven't done anything at all. It didn't slip off my mind, it's just that I haven't had time to think about it.

I hope I'll have a good rest then. Holiday without my laptop. Kalau takde coverage telefon lagi best. Tapi takleh. Nanti aku plak yg tak senang duduk. At least ada Wifi for my phone ok la.

No specific resolutions for next year, tho. Only CHANGE.

Am walking thru life.

Am still

Saya tahu awak tak suka saya. Saya telah membuat banyak masalah, dan bukanlah manusia yg senang untuk berhadapan dengan.

But why can't I just hate you?

Would be easier.

Rajin adik, rajin

When you push yourself, you really can get things done, isn't it? Hehe..

Talking to the Moon

I can see the moon from my bedroom window.

Like being stabbed. Thru the chest. Berkali-kali. Darah.

Perasaan Saya

Saya rasa hendak hempaskan sesuatu. Baling, campak, buang, pijak, pecahkan, koyakkan.. dengan sepenuh hati. Tembak sesuatu sehingga ia berkecai tak boleh disatukan lagi. Lepastu mandi dengan air sejuk bersama sabun mandi yg wangi dan syampoo yg lembut dan menyegarkan.

Kemudian pegi ke tepi pantai yg sunyi dari orang ramai, seorang diri, menangis semahu2nya. Sampai kering air mata. Lepastu balik rumah, turn off all the lights, layan funny movie dan ketawa terbahak2 sambil minum Coke. Last skali tidur dengan nyenyak selama 12 jam.

Sekian.

Dia sangat lain sekarang. Dulu bercakap, sekarang tak langsung. Apetah lagi make jokes. I'm afraid to even start a conversation with him, sebab asyik kena snapped back at. And he doesn't talk anymore, so it's been silent. Seriously silent.

The day my world came to an end

Ok, Mr. Ho has a girlfriend.

They don't give a damn, so why the hell should I care? I HATE them. I HATE their team.

But on the other hand, it's not a bad thing to stay at my level (You know.. LESS responsibilities?). Tapi dengan increment lah, brader! Mana leh gaji tak naik. Semput la makcik nak idup.

And btw, Scabbers, shut up.

I talk too much.

New Members of the Clan

Hopefully bulan puasa ni takde sape yg akan make my blood go upstairs. I'm learning to tolerate to Mr. Ho hoping that I won't fall sick for no reason like the other day.

They finally give me a colleague to help out. Hooray! He's rajin, but I've yet to teach him into depth the software we're customizing. He does not get on my nerves, unlike the other guy who is currently helping out with another module.

I told him a thousand times and still he gave me the same answer. He thinks he's always right and so damn hard to take my advice on how to do things. I want things my way, ok. I have very strong reasons for them, and I know the project well. Tapi punye la dia degil mak aihhhh!!! And this is not the 1st time, but when I asked him what file he updated, he just said "You can check in the SVN, there's updated date".

WTF are you thinking, man! Why in the world do you think I need your help if I don't have anything to do. Yes I can take the files from SVN, our coding repository, but is it so hard for you to list out the files you've changed? I'm suspecting that he thinks I have nothing to do but to sit around my pc and click "Update" every few seconds, just to see which file got updated. Like, seriously dude. Masa aku MC haritu I was working all day at home. I even went online on my YM since early morning. He called me at 6.30pm (I'm guessing after Mr. Ho asked him to call me since I baru report things to Mr. Ho at that time) and told me kerja dia dah siap dah. Sounds sarcastic la, but how the hell do I know when he didn't even update me? Email takde, offline msgs takde, call takde, sms pun takde. And when I wanted to take the file, I saw dia check-in pukul 11.30 am. Can you believe that!!! And then bila aku update, ada error. Memang sangat tensen. All the while he could've solve the error kan? And he knows well that the next day ada UAT on that module. If you give me a pen in front of him that day, I probably poked him in the head 1st thing. Geram!

I want things to work out well in every possible browser you can have, ok. He kept insisting that his IE is ok, and kinda make faces if I report to him Firefox is not. I mean, come on! This project that I'm doing is different from his earlier project, which is a bank. Like, totally lain punya environment la..

Hell, I downloaded most of the browsers for this ok. I upgraded to IE8, Mozilla 3.6, Chrome, Seamonkey, Safari.. I had Netscape, but unistalled it later bcoz masa tu takde space & tak cukup memory kot. Was clearing things off from my laptop. And from time to time we check on XP, Vista, Windows 7.. and even set up a virtual machine to check on the almost-obsolete IE6 SP2 on a specific XP SP2. Mr. Ho never updated his IE7 just because of this.

Dem. Earlier on when he was about to start helping out with things, I gave him some briefing and instructions tapi dia susah betul lah nak terima. Sampai aku tatau ape nak cakap, aku naik marah, and last2 aku suruh Mr. Ho helped out. And today Mr. Ho told me that guy is having a hard time understanding his instructions that finally dia tell me of the changes.

Taktau la ape. Mungkin dia ego. He's in a Senior position la. Chinese guy. Maybe dia susah nak terima hakikat that a Malay girl, who is NOT a senior, giving him instructions.

* Sigh *

I hope I can bersabar. And I kinda miss Mr. Ho coz he's all the way in Sepang whole day today. Haha. Esok appraisal pulak dengan dia. Whatever la. Kalau bigbos tak bagi aku naik Senior, aku bakar ofis.

=P

Kenapa susah nak set date with your ex colleague to meet up eh? My dear friend and I have been trying for like, forever.. and never can find a suitable date.

I am full of anger.

I'm tired & literally sick of caring.

sick like, again!

pizli: jgn marah2.. nnt sakit

I Wanna Go Sleep Already!

Wormtail : Please, dude. Stop it. Sudah-sudah la tu... Kembali lah ke pangkal jalan. Jangan la fikir, ok?!

Scabbers : Yea, I know! I'm hating it.

Wormtail : And wipe that stupid grin off your face. It's so totally nothing, ok. Besides, you know what's gonna happen next.

Scabbers : * blank face *

Wormtail : Once a liar, always is....

On the other side of my twisted world, Mummy came over and cleaned up my closet. Horay! Means I can renew my wardrobe minus the guilt! The hangar in my almari jatuh like, a month ago.. and I did nothing about it. Coz I don't really use the baju inside - baju kurung & formal shirts. I wear the same t-shirt over and over again to office, and I kinda dump them in another place after dia kering lepas basuh. Harhar.

So Mummy brought back most of'em (4 huge black-beg-pasltik-sampah of them), and now my almari is clear! Not to say clear per se, but WAYYYY less clothes than before. Hehe. I told Mummy she could have any of the shirts she can fit in for herself, and others bagi Cousin Yati in case somebody out there is in an emergency dan takde apa untuk dipakai. Note that all my baju is in good condition, ok. I'd throw away if they're not. Or Mummy would gladly make them "gombal" a.k.a kain lap.

So a huge THANK YOU to Mak for taking away a whole chunk of guilt, before I put in new ones. But Mak, you forgot the other smaller almari where pants, baju tidur, long-sleeved t-shirts & sweaters are. Oh well, I guess next time.

And the other best thing was buying Man Pik & Bik Kaseh a laptop. Dude! It was the greatest feeling! Although I am left with an absolutely empty account at the bank, I feel good about it. Haha, no la. Mummy, Mak Ton & Mak Leha are gonna pay me back! The 4 of us shared, as a gift to Mummy's youngest sibling. Nak tambah best lagi, brader yg jual tu ingat aku nih student. Or probably he said that just to be polite.

I heart you, brader! U da man! =)

Oh and Inception is cool. Kinda boring when it gets to "the wife" part, all the reminiscence and stuff... but I love the 2nd-level of the dream where there's no gravity. Although I do not like Leonardo DiCaprio, they made it up to me with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, so I guess its alright.

All in, it's a great weekend for me. Minus the fact that my Desire had to go in the clinic again.. everything else is good (note that weekend starts on Saturday and NOT Friday nite). Thanks to Baskin-Robbins and their 31% discount on the 31st of the month.

Janji x 2

Saya berjanji untuk terus pulang ke rumah hari ini, tanpa menikmati makan malam bersama.

Janji Tinggal Janji

I made a promise to Arin that I'm not gonna write anything about him until Friday. And I won't text/call her about it either.

Happy Birthday!

Malu, tapi....

Kalau dia tanya, "biasanya balik awal, malam u makan dengan siapa?" when he knows by heart how my everyday schedule is.. Apekah maksudnya itu? Saya pasti cuma untuk berbaik2 sahaja, takkan la dah ajak balik awal terus ditch gitu je? (Altho kalau tgh marah, memang ini berlaku).

Benci

benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci benci BENCI!!!

Isn't it weird why there's no Android application for Blogger? Isn't blogger supported by Google? Isn't Android supported by Google as well? Menyusahkan tau, kena bukak browser and log on to the website, bla bla bla...

barely breathing

I think my time is about to come. I can barely take it anymore. I hate it.

Benciiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Messi

At this very moment, Cousin Dina is still in Singapore, about to fly off to Mekah for Umrah with her family. And as of last nite, count- a few hours before she's actually gone - I have successfully turned the house upside down.

Understand otak lu lah!

Gila. Boleh mati aku tau!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bola

Stupid RTM! Just show the damn game already!!!

Sleepless in Ampang

gHelp! I have a problem.

I haven't been able to bring myself to sleep before 2am everyday. Since the day my medicine habis. It's been, a week, I guess. I mean, 6 hours of sleep everyday is enough for me, but do you know that coughing is really tiring? I'm still not a 100% recovered, ok. So I'm kinda a little bit tired. Not sleepy, but tired.

It's almost 3 now and guess what? While I'm melayan kerenah myself yg tak boleh tidur awal, I watched 2 movies - Leap Year & Valentine's Day. Leap Year was ok. The guy was hot.

But Valentine's Day movie really makes my life even more depressing. Sad, and depressing. Oh I cry at every movie, so no worries there. I'm just a cry-er.

Tapi the image of Bradley Cooper & McSteamy as a gay couple is seriously more disturbing than the fact that my life sucks.

Haihhhh.. Ok la. Will try to get some sleep now. Sweet dreams.

Kenapa orang lain normal & aku tidak?

Apesal kalo dia balik jek aku senyum cam takleh stop? Pastu rasa marah cam macam magic jek bleh hilang pulak.

Kenapa?!

And please don't let him stand in front of me, smiling, and asking a question at the same time. Coz I'm like, melting, and my brain just can't function properly.

I think any girl would behave the same bila ada cute guy buat camtu kat dia. Kan?

Enjoy jek la when it's still here. Sooner or later this is going to be over.

Your boss, is never your friend. Bosses has a way of making us think we're his friends, but then makes our lives miserable when it comes to the actual work.

It's all a lie. It's one of those "marketing talk", which we all know are basically lies. Unimportant words that we can just ignore. It's not the real deal.

So if bosses can do the marketing talk, so can we. It's a twisted world we live in.

And it's making me sick.

Sick

Yea2... I know haritu I wanted to get sick so I can take MC. But HAHA to me, after 1 whole week, I'm still sick.

I took MC on Tuesday, but Mr. Ho HAD to ask if I can work from home. Oh I hate him! Wednesday I was like a zombie in the office. Suddenly I was driving home he texted me, suruh pegi AA office the next day.

Till now, I still have no clue why he dragged me there. Although I had to say I was glad I came along coz I really miss my friends there. Plus, lucky me, Mr. Ho was so damn cute last nite when we were watching football @ the Chinese Muslim restaurant. Err.. but this is like, out of the story.

Anyway... Guess I'm staying in again this whole weekend. And no spicy food for me. =(

Demit!

Aku benci nak mati dengan dia skang ni. Seriously. I don't know how I can survive this long lah.
Mungkin tak lama lagi aku burst kot.

Benci. Him & everybody else in this world. Go die.

To Demam Or Not To Demam

Yeay! I can feel the headache, the batuk coming. Demam, demam, come get me!

Aiyo. Tapi kalau demam over the weekend, how? Sucks.

Mr. Chinaman wrote as his status in FB. I thot it's kinda cute. Hehe =P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dah, dude. Dah. Dah. Dah. DAH...!!!!!

SUDAH......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

?

Tadi rasa cam nak tulis. Skang tak plak.

Please... DO NOT mention her name in front of me!

Urgh!!

Ogre

I am fat & ugly. And I'm not bright either. Not rich. I am a nobody who has nothing special in me.

Please, self. Bear in mind that nobody in their right mind would even consider of liking you.

So stop obesessing & have fun, demmit!

I think I need to go out & mix dengan manusia. To boost up some self-esteem. I am on the down low.

I'm fat. And ugly. Who ever wants to be my friend?!

Heheh =P

Ada perasaan utk terjun bangunan. Atau lari jauh2 takde sape bleh jumpa.

Haih...

Tensen To The Max!

Aku rasa nak nangis betul lah. Nak tinggalkan kerja satu hal. Nak tinggalkan dia satu hal. Pastu dia buat aku cenggini pulak? Aku nak cakap pasal kerja pun taknak layan? Tak faham2 lagi ke aku cakap aku nak dtg buat kerja? Cakap je la taknak kasik aku datang. Soalan yes/no dia pegi jawab dengan jawapan bagitau dia katner. Dia tak explen kat aku, so i took it as a joke. Susah sangat ke nak text aku cakap terang2? Nak call pun susah ke? Mahal sangat ke nak call each other walaupun sama2 dalam Malaysia & pakai the same network? Tak paham2 lagi ke aku kat ofis buat keje, pastu dia leh buat taktau jek kat aku. Hish...

Susah sangat ke nak cakap??!

Serious shit aku nak menangis. Gile sakit hati takleh tahan.

Dear Abang,

Thank You

Maafkan saya...

Terima kasih.

Yea, I Have Issues

Aku tak brapa suke la pompuan tu. A'ah perempuan ITU. Walaupun aku ok je dengan dia, tapi aku tak suke!! Sebab dia cerewet gile. Pastu semua dia nak, dia dapat ok! Yela.. sebab bos aku tu masa mula2 dulu aku tengok macam syok je kat pompuan ni. Tapi pompuan ni dah kawen. Muahahaha..

Ei aku tak suke betul bile bos aku sebut nama dia. Aku rasa mcm nak stapler mulut bos aku. Dont say her name, demit! Haha.

Tapi skang bos aku da kurang sebut nama dia. Diganti dengan "my fren" (with a smile) kadangkala. Maybe he knows I dont like her kot. Haha. Lantaklah. Tutup telinga, buat kerja. That's what I always do.

Anyway, pagi ni ALL bosses takde. Bigbosses & my boss pegi LCCT. Another PM pegi his client's site. So we're all in heaven this morning. I hope this moment never ends! ;)

The Only Exception

when i was younger i saw
my daddy cry
and curse at the wind
he broke his own heart
and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it
and my momma swore
that she would
never let herself forget
and that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
if it does not exist

But Darlin...
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception

maybe i know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts
and we've got to find other ways
to make it alone
keep a straight face
and i've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance
and up until now i had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
because none of it was ever worth the risk

well you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception

i've got a tight grip on reality
but i can't let go of what's in front of me here
i know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception

and I'm on my way to believing
oh and I'm on my way to believing


/* macam kene jek kan? cuma, i'm still NOT on my way to believing just yet */

// Developers should listen to this song. It's a calm way of dealing with Exceptions. Plus, it's the ONLY exception.

Rain

Pernah drive in KL @ 3am on a rainy Saturday nite? Hujan renyai2 je... & takde traffic. And you're feeling happy.

It's the best feeling. Very.. calm.

I love yesterday. I hate today.

semakin jauh. rindu gila.

Saye masih ingat waktu dulu. Sekarang semua sudah lain.

Kan?

Saya Sayang Rumah Saya

Oh rumahku, I missed you so much! Dah lama tak balik. Walaupun balik untuk beberapa jam sahaja. Its so peaceful here. Sorang2 di ruang tamu, buat kerja sambil baring2 sorang di pagi hari. Orang lain dah tidur.

This is the life!

Ekekekeke

Hectic

Ok, I have officially lost my camera. Demit!!!! If only cameras don't run out of battery & can ring. I think every single object in this world should be able to ring. It would come in very handy for people like me. Pelupa & slalu panic and nak marah2 je bile tak jumpa barang.

Anyway.... I'm off to Jakarta in 2 days. Satu mende tak setel lagi. Payment, packing, itinerary, plan pegi-balik nak amik Mummy & MakTon kat Muar.. tukar duit pun blom. Aduhaiiii....

Oh, and yes. Happy Birthday to me. In case I forget.

Shit! baru teringat lesen dah expire! Post ofis pulak da nak tutup!!! Gotta run! Bye!

* Boss, I could REALLY use some bonus money right about now *

I Don't Care

Saya tak peduli.
Saya TAK peduli.
Saya TAK PEDULI.
SAYA TAK PEDULI.

SAYA TAK PEDULI.

SAYA TAK PEDULI....!!!!

Shop Til You Drop!

I am * such * a sucker for shoes!

Demit!

Why do they have to be so cute, so fitting, so very nice to look at (only some times when u wear) and sometimes so cheap!

In 2 months, I bought 3 pairs of flat shoes & 2 flip flops. Which total up to... hmmm.. less than RM150. Kire ok lah kan? Pakai hari2 sampai lunyai, ok! 1 dah buang. 1 on the way nak buang, 1 baru beli tadi.

(Lepas beli 1, round2 lagi jumpa pink Primavera flat yg sangat comel!!! Terpaksa menahan diri. Bile tak dapat, ubati luka di hati dengan Dory & Green Tea @ Secret Recipe)

Can't wait for my Jakarta birthday trip! Maybe I'll buy myself more shoes over there! Yeay!
I need a new pair of sneakers.

=P

Overworked & Underpaid.

Yeke?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hish, benci gile aku dengan dia! Aku tau la aku tak pandai. Aku tau la aku memang betul2 tak pandai!!! Aku tau la ko tuh bos aku... tapi kalo dengan aku je nak marah. Ok, aku manusia, aku buat silap gak. But I said sorry. I NEVER get a single sorry from you pun. Macam la ko tu perfect sangat! Buat salah gak kan? Tapi boleh je ignore.. ingat aku takde perasaan la? Dahtu kalo aku tatau satu bende.. cakap macam nak perli. Isk bengang nak mampos.

Dengan orang lain bukan main dia kiss-ass! Baik betul. Lembut, iya kan je semua. Dengan aku lain plak!!! Aku sorang je manusia yg dia marah. Aku tau la aku ni jawatan paling busuk dalam company ni. Tapi aku ada feeling jugak la! Aku pun nak marah gak! Sebab kau punye kesalahan!

Dulu aku ingat kalo aku resign sebab co. or sebab project ni mcm siot.. sekarang I don't think so kot. Kalo aku resign dalam masa terdekat ni, sebab aku takleh tahan kerja dengan dia. Dia buat aku down je sepanjang masa.

Yes, I can still smile at you. Make jokes with you. But I still hate you. For life.

SANGAT tensen

Sad Sunday

Saye tak suke diri saye sebab saye sangat emotional. Saye cepat sangat suke kat orang, dan sekarang bila dah ada cerita orang tu macam takkan bekerja dengan saya lagi, saye rasa sedih.

Sigh =(

And staying at home alone on a weekend definately doesn't help. I need to get out.. maybe go for a drive around KL. And of course, stop for some food.

Work, you'll be on pause today.

Oh hey, I made it through a whole week tanpa begaduh. This is a world record. Hehe

Yeay!

Dah 2 hari tak begaduh. Bagus, dude. Bagus. 2 hari.

Kekalkan! Ingat, sabar & kurangkan bercakap. You'll be fine.

Harap2 esok semuanya selamat...

=)

Sabar, dan sabar lagi

Sabar, dude... sabar...

Dia pun under pressure gak tu.. dari boss dia & dari client...

Sabar... tarik napas..

All Out Of Love

Releks, jangan begaduh. Focus untuk siapkan kerja.

Tarik nafas panjang2..... jangan begaduh. We started off good this morning. Keep it that way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HejVjzhKTY

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

Chorus:
I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

Chorus

Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?

Of NOT being a racist

Why must racism exist? Tak boleh ke kita hidup aman damai tanpa kira warna, bangsa, agama and any sort of difference?

I love the Petronas ad a few years back - Tan Hong Ming & Umi Tazrina. The two kids yg suka each other tu. Sooooooo adorable! Especially Tan Hong Ming. Comel gile.



Masa kecik, memang kita color blind. But as we grow older, dunia yg makin corrupted ni meng-corrupt kan minda kita. Banyak sangat perasaan marah, benci & tak boleh terima kepada something that is different from us. Pada aku la, sebab tu lah ramai sangat yg ala2 racist sekarang ni.

Kadang2 kalau aku geram & tensen, aku pun jadi bias jugak. But most of the time, no la. Pada aku takde apa issue yg race-related. Kalau dia buat kerja bagus, dia patut naik pangkat. Kalau dia cute, I'd go out with him/her (haha). To me, semuanya depends on the individual. Takde kaitan langsung dengan bangsa.

Mr. Ho tu sangat lah bias orangnya. Slalu jugak dia cakap dengan aku Melayu camtu, camni.. Aku dengar, bagi komen sikit dan biarkan je. Aku taknak la sampai begaduh kan? Altho skang ni pun mcm begaduh, tp pasal lain.. tak kene mengena dgn this issue. Dulu dia cakap "maybe" kat soalan aku, "So you like only Malaysian Chinese?". Lepastu dia sengih2. Hmmmm.. takpe2... Bias lah kau... kang terkena kau suke kat Melayu plak, padan muke.

Read : Cepatla suke kat aku!

Tu jek point aku sebenarnye. Tapi... aku masih benciiiiiiiiiiii kat dia. =P

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Oh diri sendiri, tolong lah banyakkan bersabar. Sabar... sabar... sabar!!!

Nak sabar tahap mana lagi eh.. rasanya ni dah sabar at the extreme dah ni. Tapi masih tak cukup lagi.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, Singapore support team called again. Asking me a whole lot of questions, and sound aku why aku tak setup dev machine in office, dev machine on site.. coz they're waiting and stuff. I can't tell them the truth, ok. My co. will look bad nanti.

Dah la case ni initially he-whom-i-loathe kata tak payah aku amik tau, then dia pass kat aku. And dev machine, big boss taknak beli windows lic, I've setup twice tapi still crash. And they're asking me why I tak setup dev machine..

I really don't have time. I've to complete kerja for the project which was like.. I don't know how to describe. Terribly banyak. And I've to attend to their consultant yg datang. I really don't know what to say to them...

If only they know how I suffered.... and how I'm suffering now.

Will there be an end to this?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boleh ke aku tahan ni? Terlalu sedih. Terlalu sakit hati. Dah buat macam2, tapi bila every second of the day asyik kena marah, knowing that whatever I did was never good enuf. Never betul, asyik kena blame. Asyik kata salah...

Aku dah tak tau macam mana nak cakap. Semangat, confidence & everything else is at Level 0. Thank You, Mr. Ho. Thank you very much.

Ikutkan hati mmg nak resign this instant. Tapi takboleh la nak ikutkan hati. Semua orang kata sabar, tabah... sampai tahap mana lagi? Even I myself pun am telling me the same thing. Hang in there. Tapi....?

I don't know if I can get thru a day without being sad, miserable, tense.. and crying while doing work.

If I chat with u and I'm laughing, doesnt mean I'm happy. If u see me and I smile at u, doesnt mean I'm happy either. Whatever u see me doing, I'm not happy.

Aku terlalu sedih sekarang.

Never Knew I Needed

I love Ne-yo! =)

Of being a nobody

I wasn't involved at the initial stage, I wasn't even in the CC. I'm just the dummy they're using to get the job done.

But in the software punya support site, I'm the contact person for this. So when they call me and asked things about initial discussions, suggestions and what-nots.. I was clueless.

And when I talk to the-person-i-loathe-for-the-rest-of-my-life, dia mmg tak pernah nak ikut cakap aku. I told him the other party wants to know this and that, dia taknak. And then bila nak suruh aku buat apa2, ayat semua arahan yg buat aku sakit hati. Macam aku ni sampah.

"work on the URL/component to booking thing and also there's a support case on VA toolbar". Takde please, takde thank you. Lepastu dia kuar makan. Tak ajak aku langsung.

GILE SAKIT HATI.

Padahal case VA toolbar tu dia punya. Aku cakap dgn dia, last time aku nak tengok dia kata takyah, dia handle. Pastu skang soh aku plak. Dia cakap dia tak geti handle sbb support nak suruh hantar itu ini macam2 la. Aku tanya pesal tak cakap dgn aku, dia cakap too busy masa tu time nak roll-out.

Ye, semua kesalahan point balik kat aku.

Initially I didn't want to get involved with this project. Aku nak resign, but he kept giving me motivation plus he was being the nicest creature on earth kan.. So I stayed and buat this project for him. I stayed late, worked overtime.. all because of him.

Seriously, apa aku buat for this project.. semua for him. And not for the company, bcoz I know how my company is.

But I guess I was wrong. And now, aku sangat sakit hati. Walaupun skang kire baik jugak la dengan dia semula.. but I was so damn wrong about him.

I feel I want to resign this very instant. I'm SOOOOO DUMB!!! Can you just smack me in the face?! Oh no need. Reality checked in. I'm miserable now. Consider me being smacked in the face. Hard.

of NOT being in the office on a weekend

Bak kata Alicia Keys, I slept with a broken heart lah malam tadi. Tetiba bangun pagi rasa refreshed, and I really wanted to talk to him. So I called. Nasib baik ok. But then buat kerja, argue sikit itu ini.. but when done we're already laughing at each others joke.

But jangan ingat aku dah baik balik, ok. I still mean what I said in my post below.

Noon, I forced myself out to KLCC. I was hungry. For food and for some shopping. So had Japanese food @ foodcourt je la, then bought buku and magazine @ Kino and finally went crazy @ Marks & Spencer. Demit! Why do they have to have ALL the things that I like?! I bought 'em all!! Main mission is to buy sneakers. Last2 sneakers tak dapat, mende lain plak dibeli nya. Oh, I'm such a big spender! Matilah next month nak ke Jakarta dengan duit ape pun taktau!

Anyway, balik je dapat offline msg from him. Macam marah. Dunno. I feel like I want to talk to him face to face lah. I haven't really talked to him for like, 4 days now? This has to be the longest! I feel weird. I even feel weird not being in the office and do work.

Urghhh. I hate this feeling. But when we do work online from home, confirm begaduh!! I hate that even more.

This is so confusing.

I LOATHE YOU FOR LIFE, YOU SELFISH #@^%&^*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hatiku Terluka

Bagaimana mengubati hati yg duka lara? (Cewah)

Shopping & chocolate.

I'm going to have some of both over the weekend... I hope!

Wondering If Someday You'll Come Back To Me

Now that I'm slowly becoming normal again, I wonder...

where my camera is..?
where my hand lotion is..?
where my new socks are..?
where are the rest of my anak tudungs..?
when I'm going to charge my Nokia phone that has been dead since November 09..?
what's playing in the cinema..?
can I really stand 2 hours in the cinema without being restless..?
can I stand being stuck in traffic..?
if I still enjoy social-networking with friends..?

Hehe, sorry but being in a non-human phase where I didn't answer calls, email, texts.. are somewhat giving me a peace of mind.

Oh, and I wonder if I can still remember how to use Facebook.

=P

Kebencian melanda

Oh benci nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!
rasa cam nak pegi tampar je dia.

isk isk iskkkk

sakit hati.

Dear Mr. Ho,

I know I've given you enough trouble, and you've always backed me up. I'm sorry, and thank you very much for all that you've done.

I am only human. A weak one. I'm not super like you. Or our other colleague, who has helped us very much in this project.

But it kinda hurts when you "yelled" at me the other day. I know you're very much stressed having to face the users and the project manager on site. I'm sorry. But it really hurts, ok. It's too sad when I was working hard for your sake, but not being appreciated, instead being accused of not doing work. As a human being, when we work around the clock, sometimes we do get headache. And it was making me sick. I guess that wasn't acceptable for you, isn't it? It's ok, I'll try to ignore anything that hurts in me from now on. Finishing my work, so your work will also get completed, is no. 1 priority for me now.

The earlier days you became my boss, you were the sweetest creature on earth & it looks as if you were sincere. Now.. hmmm.. i think you're just doing it coz you have to, maybe because your bosses check up on you? It just doesn't seem to come from the heart.

It's ok anyway. I can take care of myself, like I always do. But work-wise, I still need you to take care of me & this project. You're the most important person here.

For now, I don't feel like being friends with you. Let's just stick with being a boss and a regular, nobody, non-important staff.

* P/S: Looking at the beautiful moon now makes me feel miserable.

她來聽我的演唱會 (whatever it means)

Listening to songs on YouTube without him rasa tak se-seronok biasa. I need my DJ...

Flirty flirty

Tsk tsk tsk, Scabbers...

;)

=|

Hari yg mana aku woke up on the wrong side of bed can turn into hari yg membuatkan aku senyum.

Kenapa lah dia comel dan klakar..

Year Of The Tiger

Turned out this CNY is NOT a holiday for me. Saturday I was working the whole day at the office. Sunday dapat off, but had to work because things screwed up. Today, I'm in AA office working. So will tomorrow. Surprise, surprise.

And guess what.. my family came here to visit me. And yea, I'm not in. On Sunday I had to work from home, so we didn't go anywhere. Cuma keluar kejap2 je. And I pengsan for few hours petang tu because I am WAY BEYOND TIRED. Mummy & Makton was frustrated, of course, they wanted to go out, and I can't even have that little time for them. And now I'm sad. It's SUCH a frustrating job.

Company doesn't give any Overtime for staff. Mileage is CRAP. And for 10 REALLY HARD working days of weekends and public holiday, you get back 4 days that you have to clear off before March. But WHEN DO YOU HAVE TIME TO CLEAR THE LEAVE?

Stupid *QW#^%&^

There is always a limit to everything. I've reached mine. Aku rasa aku ni sabar jugak lah orangnya, bila bos suruh itu ini, aku can compromise and buat kerja dan bersabar. Tapi now gunung berapi dah nak meletup. Penat, tension, sedih... and you get back nothing. NOTHING!

Kesimpulannya, aku travel dari Ampang ke Sepang for RM0.35sen per kilometer. Parking & toll boleh claim. THAT'S ALL.

It's shit, isn't it?

Yea, I know I promised not to curse, but as I said, I've reached my limit.

********!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm sad beyond words...

Even if the company bagi 10months bonus (which no way in hell it's going to happen) sekalipun, it won't bring back yesterday, my ONLY off day.. which I was supposed to spend with my family. Dan aku dah buat Makton merajuk. Aku sedih sangat pasal my only off day, dan aku dah promise diaorg if I'm working, I'll be working from home... but aku tak boleh nak tunaikan. And again, aku tak dapat nak jumpa diaorg before diaorg balik Muar.

Even if company bagi a month off for me (which again, is now way going to happen), it will not bring back yesterday.

Do you even get how I feel now?

DO YOU?????

I Have The Shittiest Job Ever

Ye, sampah masyarakat macam aku harini kene buat kerja cleanup. Restart server pun suruh aku jugak. Pastu delete log pun suruh aku jugak. Pastu kejap lagi sure dia tanya, kerja yg aku ada at hand, ada 2 tasks... dah siap?

Macam haram.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ada changes lagi!!!!!!!!!!! OMG aku dah fedup sangat dah. Seriously memang dah takde semangat. After 3 months... please lemme have AT LEAST 2 days of rest. Demit!!!!

Aku malas sangat, aku tak buat keje skang ni, asyik dok update blog je. Pasal ape? Pasal aku paling KULI!!! Apa2 diaorg tukar, apa2 diaorg decide, lepas tu penghujung skali aku yg kene buat. Ha so skang aku tak wat pape. Lantak engko la nak kata ape, aku tunggu je apa2 perubahan. Dah last bagi aku buat. Tapi orang semua dah cuti raya. Lepas raya CONFIRM diaorg dah nak mende ni siap. Habistu sape la manusia malang yg kene buat kerja time raya ni??????

AKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

Bodoh nak mampos aku rasa macam nak tampar je semua manusia ni. AKU PUN NAK REST JUGAK, NAK CUTI JUGAK LA!!!! Dah banyak sangat aku compromise, bagi can la!!!!!

Nampaknye takkan ada cuti la aku kali ni. Dah la bukan raya aku kan? Cis.

BODOH.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seriously aku dah jadi sampah. Takde orang update aku apa2 skang ni. Ntah apa berlaku pun aku tak tau. Kalo diaorg nak suruh buat kerja2 kuli je diaorg akan cari aku. Dahtu bila diaorg nak bring down server, aku diaorg tak bagi warning. Tapi user yg dok sekeliling aku ni, diaorg bagitau pulak? Padahal aku ada duduk tercongok kat depan dia. Tetiba aku tgh buat kerja, takleh access, aku tanya baru la nak kabo. Bila server dah up lupa jugak nak bagitau aku.

So yeah, aku adalah sampah. Anjing or sampah. Whatever yg rendah di muke bumi ni.

Of Being In HELL

I wanted to wait until I'm actually out of HELL, but it's taking too long and it's way too depressing to keep it all bottled up inside.

You can't even imagine being me right now. I am at the bottom-est level of this project, and I am like, the only full-time resource attending to it. So I have SO many people giving me instructions. Banyak sangat boss. Boss directly before me is of course, Mr. Ho. Every second of the day memang aku kene marah dengan dia. So when bos dia marah dia, dia marah aku. And on top of him ada 2 other bosses. So bile sampai kat aku dah jadi macam siol. Then ada Singapore punya boss. Diaorg bagi instructions itu, ini.. aku buat. Ye, aku jugak orang yg last yg kene buat semua. Bila aku tak buat kerja betul.. sebab aku terlalu penat tak cukup tidur, tak cukup makan, emosi tak stabil... aku kene marah lagi. Dia siap CC email kat segala bosses yg ada.

Kawan2 yg tolong aku buat kerja pun.. after diaorg setel, aku jugak yg kene plug-in dalam system. At the same time aku ada kerja aku sendiri. So bila aku takde masa, semua benda nak cepat, tak test betul2.. sebab when i'm doing task A, ada orang nak task B & C dengan urgent. Tapi I still have task C, D, E, F, G, until infiniti.. Kene marah lagi.


Client toksah citer. Memang marah. Dia marah Mr. Ho, then sape lagi yg kene lepas tu if not me? Client pun tau aku yg buat keje. Dan bile banyak sangat error & kiteorg lambat, diaorg kata aku tak geti buat kerja. Dalam meeting room dengan SEMUA client yg ada, nama aku disebut dan aku kene sound baikkk punya dengan one of the user. Giler babas rasa masa tu macam nak lari ke hangar kapal terbang & hope kene langgar dengan Airbus.

Bila sistem dah stabil sket, user dah boleh pakai, banyak sangat masalah yg timbul. At the same time aku ada task yg warna merah in my list. Bukan satu, tapi banyak. And bila dalam meeting back at the office, aku lah yg kene marah. Sebab aku pun kadang2 blur. Mana tak blur nye.. 2 hari tak tidur, tak balik rumah, tak mandi. Sengal nak mati.

On average, aku tidur like, 3 hours per day. On a good day, boleh up to 5 hours. Tapi JARANG sangat berlaku. If seminggu dua aku takde hal la. Ini dah 3 bulan. 3 bulan tak tidur, 3 bulan asyik kene marah, 3 bulan bz macam nak gila. WTF kan?

I havent had a weekend off since. Starting from raya haji when i'm stuck in the office sampai lah sekarang. Katil kat rumah untouched. Sofa kat ofis dah jadi katil. Itupun jarang aku tido atas sofa. Selalunya tidur kat meja sambil duduk, for 1 hour ke.. then angkat je muke nampak kerja balik terus sambung. My Penang trip dengan cousins pun canceled. Gile kan?

Now I'm based @ site for more than a month. Orang kat sini semua dah kenal aku. Jaga pun dok suruh aku balik, risau tgk aku tak balik2 asyik betapa kat ofis, hari2 muke sengal gile.

Sekarang ni, nampaknye macam dah ok sket la semua. Cuma user ni mengada2 gak. Nak tukar link sikit pun kadang2 suruh kiteorg jugak. Cakap haritu nak tukar component, pastu "my guys" will help to copy to the 32 sites. Haram takde. Aku sorang yg buat. Ni dah banyak kali dah. Diaorg tau aku sorang buat keje kuli ni, diaorg tau aku penat, tapi still aku kene buat. Mr. Ho pun tau, tapi still aku kene paksa buat, dia make sure aku tidur sejam jek sehari.

Aku dah buat banyak sangat salah. Sebab apa? Sebab aku takleh berfikir. Mr. Ho tu ingat semua orang superhuman macam dia kot. Kawan2 kat ofis, users kat sini semua tanya aku macam mana aku leh tahan. Kenapa bos aku buat aku cenggini. Ah lantakla. Buat aku marah je kalo citer pasal Mr. Ho ni. Dah bertekak macam nak hape dah dengan dia.

Now ada final major issue la. Since aku takleh solve, dia panggil la orang India datang mari bantu. Anyway, it's part of their task pun, sebab kita partners & ini module dia. So now aku dok AA, tak tau apa berlaku. Dia dah dapat Senior Consultant, aku tidak diperlukan lagi. So aku skang jadi tukang pungut sampah, a.k.a tukang cari log & send to support.

Ingat tu kerja senang? Huh. Toksah la. Kalo korang tengok log file punya nama je dah cukup pening. 1 file deployed, ada 1 log file. Imagine if buat 15 files. Dan bukan 1 server, ada 6 servers in total. Pastu bila aku lambat send log file, aku jugak kene marah. Sampai kan support pun dok push aku suruh cepat. Tapi aku banyak sangat task @ hand. At the same time aku kena buat deployment, nak simulate semua error itu ini la. At the same time Mr. Ho suruh aku buat yg lain pulak.

Apa reward? Takkan 3 bulan takde reward? Hmmm.. from what I know, reward aku sepanjang 10 hari weekend + public huliday, aku dapat 4 hari cuti ganti. Ini as of December 2009. Belum kira up til now. Paling best pun haritu dapat dok beberapa jam kat Concorde Inn KLIA. Itupun 3 orang 1 bilik! So bersekedudukan lah aku dengan Mr. Ho. Nasib baik ada ahmoi sorang lagi. Kalau tak... susah. Kedekut taik idung masin kan? Macam haram.

So in other words, I work like a dog. Anjing dalam neraka. Paling hina, itulah saya.

Black

I am SOOOOOO bummed that I have to cancel my Penang trip with single cousins. Shit la keje nih. Sengal gile.....!!!!!! I called them and they're already having fun trying to figure out jalan kat Penang, berpandukan map. Tapi takpe, takpe. CNY ni ada lagi satu holiday dengan family. InsyaAllah aku akan dapat turut serta.

Datang kerja, Ivan pakai tshirt hitam. Can u imagine how good looking he is in black??? Isk. Susah sangat nak concentrate buat kerja ok. Gile hot.

TAPI....
yes, ada tapi.

Aku rasa cam gf (or ex, or gf on-again-off-again) dia nye bapak call, tanya pasal pc yg dia suruh fix. Then lepastu dia pi call awek tu. Pehhhhh... dah la cakap lembut2. Sambil duduk depan aku?!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii....

GERAMNYE!!!!!!!
SAKIT HATI!!!!!!

So this weekend.. SUCKS!!

Yg best cuma sebab dapat makanan dari Muar, Mummy & Makton kirim kat Nur masa nak datang KL. Itu paling best.

Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Even if you were a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
Near me, touch me, feel me
And even at the bottom of the sea
I could still hear inside my head
Tellin' me, touch me, feel me

And all the time you were tellin' me lies

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times we had tonight
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well, you could try sleeping in my bed

Lonely, own me nobody ever shut it down like you
You wore the crown
You made my body feel heaven bound
Why don't you hold me
Near me, I thought you told me
You'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I could see your face
And I know right where I fit in
Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love
With you
Right til the end OOh

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times we had tonight
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could've told you right from the start
It's about to fall apart
So rather than hold on to a broken dream
Or just hold on to love

And I could find a way to make it
Don't hold on too tight
I'll make it without you tonight

So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times we had tonight
I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Entah. Tak tau.

Seriously, tak tau. Yang aku tau, mati lagi baik dari keadaan skang.

Owwww... dia tak suke aku camtu lah. Dia cuma boss yg jaga staff supaya kerja berjalan.

Alerrrr... tak best betul.... =(

"-_-

Dear Boss,

I'm WAYYYYYY TOOOOO TIRED.

Can I go die now? Please.

2010

Boleh ke letak new year's resolution as... "to be happy"?

Am i not happy now? Hmmm.. no, not at this very moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eh, aku rasa cam suke la kat dia. But then again aku memang cepat suke kat orang. Kan?

;)

Hari Yang Indah

"This year was a bad year. I resigned. But if not because of that, I wouldn't have met you", kata Encik Ho.

"This was a good year for me. Except for the end part, you know.. now.. But what I mean is the project. Not the I-met-you part", saya membalas.

Demit! Kenapa dia taknak suke aku!!!

Ahahaha